I used to think only people can be evasive to you, I didn’t know your mind, heart, and destiny can be evasive to you too. Like please my mind and heart, whose side are you on? Tell me.
Here I stop to see if I reached somewhere…
I have resigned from my current job recently with no other plans in my mind. It felt like the KPMG chapter repeated—only this time after investing more than three years in the organization. Working started feeling like running on a treadmill. I was running fast, time was increasing, my pulse rate was getting high, and calories were burning, but I was still in the same place, reaching nowhere at all. I can be in good shape by running in an open park while breathing fresh air. If you know what I mean…
The ideal plan was to grab some decent job before quitting, but how can ideal things happen to me in this un-ideal world? The inner voice was so strong that I didn’t even care if I had any plan B, I just wanted to get out of one problem and wanted to breathe before I enter the next.
This is all okay. But one thing that is bothering me is what is it that I really want to do that I just simply quit so confidently thinking that I will figure it out. This self-confidence is kinda making me nervous. This isn’t me, I always needed plans, I needed to know what I will do in the next few months. I am just questioning where did I get that confidence and why am I so sure that things will fall into place?
My voice is consistent in the most inconsistent way
So a few weeks back, everything one has in one’s body aligned for me (yeah same cliché mind, heart, and soul) and I decided that this is it. Time to quit, chill in life, and figure out things that interest me. All this time I thought everything helped me to make this decision right? The same things will help me to figure out also. Was I completely wrong having built this notion when that day my stupid strong inner voice did not let me derail from my decision even after I threw big questions about it? No. I know I was not wrong. But now it feels like I am on my own. Those voices either are mocking me or are immensely satisfied and have gone to sleep. Both are scary. They need to know that. Both are scary!
When I firmed up my decision, I shared this with my tribe (my parents and sisters) and they were absolutely okay with it. It came to a point where they asked me to stay in Bangalore and join fun classes like painting or dancing or learning the ukulele. My sister asked me to start wearing small skirts and play tennis. All sounded great and I thought yeah let’s do that. But sooner only I realized I am not that person. I just can’t simply chill. I need to do something hard-core productive and then chill because then I will respect chilling. I know weird idiotic complications. I mean I still question myself, why can’t I simply eat pizza, read books, and play tennis in small skirts when I have people who can pay for all these things? 😛 (Kidding- I have enough to pay for all this, (again kidding)) but this stupid mind!
So that inner voice, wanted me to quit, I quit. Wanted me to not simply chill, I am not chilling. But now what?
Who knows what the Future holds?
People around me are happy for me for God knows what reason. They think that I will be super successful and do all cool things…why are they thinking like that? The only reason I can think of is, they believe someone can’t be so stupid to do this, at this age, and must have surely figured out something crazy that the other person is not telling- which brings me to the point- people being evasive to other people is all good, but here I am being evasive to my own self, which I think is crazy?
I just think that by this age, I should have figured out at least something. I mean I have not figured out a person with whom I can spend the rest of my life, I have not figured out my long-term job, I have not figured out my passion, I have not figured out my purpose. I know these may sound like common problems, but the biggest problem is I care, I care about these concerns, and on some days, way too much.
Also, I am so done writing sad blogs man! I want to write happy blogs too! Like blogs that talk about how I conquered all my concerns and issues and everything. How I am doing exactly what I wanted to do, without even knowing what I wanted to do. Also, about how I got to know my purpose and shit. I mean seriously when will that time come?
And my dear inner voices, are you all offended because I wrote a letter to myself and not to you guys? Please understand that was for you only, and wake up! Wake up because I am ready to run again, wake up because we don’t have as much time as you think we have, wake up because I want to write happy blogs for god’s sake.
One last thing, this whole idea of quitting the job, and not being sure of what to do next might sound like a cool and unconventional plan, but please know it sure is a toll on your mental health. People around you, who matter to you, will show you all the support you can ever expect, but it’s you who will feel the urge to do something groundbreaking every minute when you sit idle. And my friends that’s also exhausting.
Having said that, I have no regrets at all and I am not rethinking any of my decisions. I am trying to give a structure to my thoughts so that I can also build something that’s closer to a ‘plan’.
I am though trying hard to make those inner voices up because it’s time!
If you know how to wake them up, do let me know. Till then, I’ll just keep having caffeine because that’s the only best solution I can think of right now!
