Lost and Found
Hello hello!
I went on my second solo trip to Rishikesh in November and this blog feels a little more personal as it touches my emotions and beliefs. This whole experience was idiosyncratic because it made me more profound than proud, and maybe I was more lost than found.
I reached Rishikesh on 5th Nov 2022 and stayed in Laxman Jhula zostel from 5th – 17th November. But why Rishikesh this time? Well, my last blog was all about fear and how to overcome fear. When we feel scared, our first instinct is to run, right? However, this time I didn’t run from something, but towards something- towards my belief, my faith, my Shiva.
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Rejuvenate in Rishikesh
Rishikesh, also known as the ‘yoga capital’ of the world is set against the backdrop of the Himalayas with the pristine Ganga flowing through it. It is one of the major pilgrimage hubs where people from across the world arrive in search of peace. You can very well see and feel the urge and willingness in the people to surrender their worldly thoughts in front of their God.
Every street in Rishikesh dances to the ‘Hare Rama hare Rama, hare Krishna, Krishna hare’ chant. While immersing in the chants you’ll also see cute (literally cute) small shops that sell very fancy jackets, caps, shawls, and all sorts of woolen and warm coverings. There are an amusing number of cafes that provide you Ganga view when you are having your vegan breakfast or lasagne for lunch. And not to forget you will always see a zealous group of rafters who will shout ‘Ganga Maiya ki Jai’ while enjoying the pulse-racing ultimate rafting experience in the white-water rapids of river Ganga.
My mind knew that this place would make me at ease. I will sit near Ganga ghat, and my problems will at least be organized and settled if not solved. I had no list to wander around and do café hopping because the intent was very clear; sit and reflect- purge my overwhelming thoughts one by one. So, the next day (6th Nov) I went out for a walk to figure out where Ram Jhula is (where aarti happens), and Ram Jhula was just 1.5 km away from my zostel which was great because that was where I was going to spend my two weeks.
While going through the lane, I noticed there were many ghats on the same side of Ram Jhula where you could hear hymns from people who were busy taking dips in the Ganga, performing pooja, clicking photos, and enjoying, while on the other side, the ghats were very silent. That morning, I went to the other side and sat and prised the sunrays beams on the whiter-than-white, river Ganga.
The following evening, I was all decked up and excited to attend the evening Ganga aarti at Parmarth ghat. Decked up because this is who I am, I like to dress for the occasion, and excited because finally, I will be at ease! I reached there on time and stood on the first row to make sure I get to see and hear everything, pleasantly.
The aarti started, and I felt lost.
I had never felt that lost. Ganga aarti at Parmarth ghat was supposed to me make me feel free and burdenless. But I could not connect with nature, aarti, or my faith for most of the time. The only constant thought I had in my mind was that I was lost and had no clue what to do, where to go, what to think, and what to make out of all this.
Words are sometimes not adequate to express an emotion, so this is the closest I can put my emotions in words – my faith felt small in front of all the people present there, but it was also monogamous and mammoth that it was beyond me- so much that I was unable to control it. At times, I felt lonely (not just alone) and after some time I felt more than complete.
I always get astonished and anxious when I witness big waves submerging small waves into them, and in the moment, I felt somewhat like that.
I came back and obviously was disappointed. Went to the terrace, listened to some music, closed my eyes, and prayed to Shiva. And that’s how that day ended. Oh also, I had the worst pizza that night. The pizza was burnt, and the restaurant guy had put mayo instead of cheese. YUCK.
Only if the mind can hear what the heart already knows…
The next day I went again for the aarti, felt lost, and came back. I also attended aarti at Triveni ghat the following day, it looked nice to my eyes. I tried to convince myself that I was able to ‘connect’ but I failed because I don’t know how the heart is one step ahead of the mind (every time) and is sharper than the mind when the mind is MIND!! But yes, that day I smiled at the realization that maybe Rishikesh is the perfect place to be lost. And deep, deep inside my heart, I enjoyed being lost.
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When we are lost, we don’t know the duration, the journey, or the destination. It can be days, weeks, months, or years; similarly, the journey can be a valley of flowers, or it can be a dry and cold desert; the destination might be your end, or can be a new beginning. I feel the most thrilling part about being lost is the involvement of extremities. Amidst the extremities, we never know what we will find and what else we will lose.
When the journey is toward your faith, you follow your inner
compass and believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
During my stay, I visited different temples and prayed before different idols, however, my ask was always the same- Lord Shiva. I also thanked Shiva for letting me wander around his place and for allowing me to feel a bit closer to him. It was him, every time and everywhere.
I remember sitting on the benches near Ram Jhula and being engrossed in the silence of the wind, the well-lighted bridge, and the reflection of trees on the Ganga that felt more like a painting than a real thing. That spot had that healing power, the place where I felt I was allowed to speak up my heart to myself and then to the trees and the wind.
On my last day after dinner, I thought to walk toward Ram Jhula Parmath ghat. It was 8 pm so the aarti crowd was over and the ghat was very silent. To make you visualize what the ghat looks like, imagine the Ganga river, on top of that is a bridge on which sits a beautiful idol of Lord Shiva, and in front of the bridge are the stairs where people can sit and attend aarti.
I sat on the stairs, and looked at Shiva with no hope, no expectations but only love. Absolute love. I was filled with love, absorbed in love and there was no other emotion than love inside me. I thanked him for always protecting me, for letting me feel his presence whenever I am scared, and for letting me love him. I confessed my feelings to him like how a person confesses to his/her lover. It felt so good. Tears were rolling down my eyes, and I could not lay my eyes off him. I was ready to accept him in all forms and was absolutely ready to not be expected in any form. I told him very honestly and sincerely, that it’s just too difficult for me to not feel his presence, but at the same time, it’s equally difficult to believe that he is always there for me. When you say it loud that some power is protecting you, it’s very overwhelming.
It’s all about trusting your faith
While walking back to my zostel, a person who looked like a sadhu, randomly said that ‘Vishwas Badi cheez hai’ – faith/trust is a big thing… it was said in an adequate voice to let his words sink into my mind, and heart. True right, as long as you have faith in something, that something becomes your reality. It is then that I ‘connected’ with him and ‘found’ myself.
My mind, heart, and soul are still in Rishikesh and I guess will always be, but I am fine with this because it’s with him. And this is what I wanted needed after all.